Earthworm Jim 3D

Developed by VIS Interactive and published by Rockstar Games for the Nintendo 64 in North America on October 31, 1999, Earthworm Jim 3D attempts to take the 2D action platforming worm into the 3D realm, and also, apparently, offer customers a free pager.

Earthworm Jim and Earthworm Jim 2 are 16-bit classics. Though I rented them countless times, I could never get enough of them. The idiosyncratic, yet tight gameplay, the surreal humor, setting and main character, and Tommy Tallarico's incredible music just kept me coming back for more. Then the Nintendo 64 came along... 

Many of the classic 2D mascots received 3D interpretations...and not always to positive results. In late 1999, I had not only a full slate of Nintendo 64 games to play, but Dreamcast ones. I had eagerly awaited Earthworm Jim 3D, but the negative reviews put me off. 21 years later, though, I've finally played the game. Is it a rousing 2D to 3D success like Super Mario 64?...or is there a reason the franchise died in a 64-bit slaughter?

Don't do it!!!

The answer is YES: there is a reason Earthworm Jim died on the Nintendo 64. The reason is that Earthworm Jim 3D sucks. Most horrifically, it slowly reveals this suckiness in the form of a nightmare.

At the start you just don't know any better. There's a fun cinematic. The graphics are quite good. Jim's design translates from 2D to 3D quite well. The game's textures are surprisingly smooth and detailed. Earthworm Jim 3D even runs smoothly. A slow framerate can be 3D platformer killer, but that's not a problem here. The controls even work. Jumping Jim around, running, shooting, head/tail-whipping--it all works.

I mean...he looks like Earthworm Jim, right?

The game's story is even suitably weird. Jim, an anthropomorphic earthworm, gets hit in the head with a flying cow, and loses his mind. Now he has to journey to his mind's most bizarre corners, in order to restore his sanity. This opens the door for all kinds of surreal settings, which should fit the Nintendo 64 like a glove. The game even apes its structure from the Nintendo 64 3D platforming greats: complete tasks in large 3D levels to retrieve golden udders, which operate just like Mario's stars, Banjo Kazooie's jiggies, or Rocket the Robot's tickets. This means that to unlock further levels, you've got to collect enough udders. Each level even has a bunch of marbles scattered over it like music notes in Banjo, which also help open new areas. There are level-specific weapons and power-ups. The building blocks are all here. Maybe this is actually a good dream?

It's got a floating cow in it...that's a good sign, right?

The first level starts off well enough, with some fairly fun tasks to accomplish. Sure, the game feels less polished than its peers, and the camera makes the camera in those games look like an asset, but it's fine. It's fine...everything is...okay. Well, I mean, collecting the marbles is frustrating. I you die or leave a level, you lose all of them...but I mean, well...it's okay, right? Well, I mean, collecting some of them is extremely frustrating--like, you have to flail around with the controls to reach them to the point that getting them feels more like a glitch than something you can do purposefully. And the way that the levels are laid out doesn't really make picking up the marbles intuitive or enjoyable. It's really annoying and frustrating and not at all fun...but...this game isn't awful right? Right? This is still a good dream, RIGHT?

It's...it's got a vending machine with a chicken on it...that's a good sign...right...RIGHT?

At then, at this point, the game's wheels go from wobbly, to flying off into a ditch while the car careens into a tree. Apparently, to collect enough udders to move from one part of Jim's brain to the next, you have to win a boss fight. If the boss had been in the 3D platforming style of the rest of the game, then fine. Overall, the game would have just been a playable, if mediocre 3D action platformer. Not the best dream, but not quite a nightmare. Maybe I'd be giving it a 6.0/10.0. But the gameplay style for the boss fights is not the same as the rest of the game. The boss fights, a variation of which each region of Jim's brain contains, confirms this game is not just a nightmare, but a terror upon the Nintendo 64.

This doesn't look like the boss fight from a good dream...

In every boss fight, you ride on a pig's stomach, as it treads quickly through a watery arena. The boss flies around on the water too. You are both trying to collect 100 marbles. The arena only contains 100 marbles. You have to shoot the boss with rockets so that they drop some of the marbles they've collected. The boss can also shoot you, causing you to drop some of your marbles...and lose health. This is already an extremely, annoying mechanic, but the handling in the boss fights compounds the frustration by an exponential degree. The pig controls much the same as a car would if you chopped off your hands and attached butter knives to your bleeding wrists in order to drive it. It's a Sisyphean task that's about as much fun as getting kicked in the balls repeatedly until you either give up or your opponent gets a leg cramp. But then, of course, they'll just start kicking your nuts with the opposite leg. 

It's absolutely, inexcusably awful.

I'm getting bum-rushed by cattle! And I just chopped one of their heads off with a cleaver. It is a nightmare! REPEAT: IT'S A NIGHTMARE!!!

Whoever thought these boss fights were fun and fit for public consumption hopefully changed careers. I hope they didn't switch to candy production. This game is a bag of M&M's filled with gravel. I hate it. 

I absolutely hate it. 

What an ignoble end for such a great video game character. It's no wonder Jim's original creators disowned Earthworm Jim 3D. This game is a travesty.

An eternally running hamster that never achieves any progress or satisfaction, while being constantly whipped by an anthropomorphic earthworm head is the perfect symbol for this game.

7.5

Graphics

It looks fine.

7.0

Music and Sound

I didn't even mention the music in the body of the review. It's wacky, but fine. So is the voice-acting.

3.0

Gameplay

The 3D action-platforming is mediocre. The boss fights, which are mandatory, are unplayable.

2.0

Lasting Value

The best thing to do is either not play it, or quit as soon as you get to the first boss fight.

3.2 FINAL SCORE